Dear Lady Celi
by DaystarsMom
Summary: Part 6—A surprise substitute columnist has advice about, well, everybody. Dueling! Elopements! Electronic equipment! Kissing! OK, advice about kissing. The plot, surprisingly enough, untangles. Sayoko Bizen and DaystarsMom
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Dear Lady Celi...  
**Author:** DaystarsMom and Sayoko Bizen  
**Rating:** PG  
**Characters: **Everybody, sooner or later  
**Summary:** With 3 marriages under her belt, Lady Celi is the perfect person to act as Shin Makoku's "Dear Abby."

**Disclaimer:** Good grief, it's _fan fiction_. Of course it's Not Ours. Do people really need to be told this?

Dear Lady Celi

by

DaystarsMom and Sayoko Bizen

Dear Lady Celi,

I'll have you know that I thought this column was very silly and a waste of perfectly good dragon-saliva ink... until... a year ago today. I didn't think people really ever needed advice on how to conduct themselves with regard to affairs of the heart – isn't it the most natural thing? Now though, I think I might be the one who needs your advice the most.

Like I mentioned earlier, love is supposed to be the most natural thing; but what should I do if the one I love thinks that my feelings for him are unnatural? He tells me that constantly and while such words would extinguish emotions in other people, I just feel my love for him consume me more and more, burning me from the inside out. I tried to distract myself and throw myself into other tasks such as raising our daughter and training my subordinates to a froth, but it does not work.

Should I just forget him? I can't seem to make him see me as more than one of the guys, and all my attempts to seduce him have backfired.

Yours sincerely,

Drowning in Love

* * *

Dear Drowning-Sweetie:

No matter how discouraged you feel, you should never give up on True Love! Especially since you and your Special Someone have a daughter after only a year – this clearly indicates that your relationship has progressed beyond mere flirtation (what a shame; flirting is so much _fun)_.

Perhaps your beloved is feeling pressured – new parents often have trouble adjusting to the presence of a third person in their relationship. Try including him in your time with your daughter; plan activities that the three of you can do together. If you can get him involved in training your subordinates, so much the better – there are times when even military discipline must take a back seat to True Love! Show him your feminine side, as well. Cultivate an interest in the things he likes.

Above all, do not give up hope! True Love is worth all the work it takes. I know; you wouldn't _believe_ how hard it is to find just the right shade of lipstick...but never mind that. Keep a positive attitude, and good luck!

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg

* * *

Dear Lady Celi:

Oh, how glad I am that you have decided to offer this service! I am greatly in need of your wisdom and advice. I am deeply devoted to a young man who is far above me in every way – so noble! so kind! so handsome! Unfortunately, last year he ACCIDENTALLY became engaged to a whining, jealous, spoiled brat who accuses me of treachery when I get anywhere near him! This interference has been ruining any chance I have of attracting the attention of my beloved! What should I do?

Wallowing in Woe in Blood Pledge Castle

* * *

Dear Wallowing:

Oh, don't you think accidental engagements are so _romantic_? All that overwhelming emotion, coming out in a rush! And really, Wallowing, if the engagement has lasted a year, there must be _something_ to it. If you continue yearning after this young man, despite his apparent disinterest, it won't be long before _you_ are the one who will be accused of interfering!

I _do_ sympathize with your situation, Wallowing dear, but engagement or not, if you haven't managed to attract your beloved's attention after an entire year, it is high time you moved on. There are lots of good fish in the sea, and surely you can find someone else if you put your mind to it. Perhaps an older man – someone who has had time to learn about life, responsibility, and above all, True Love! A sensitive and spirited soul like you needs a rock-hard foundation – a stable man, not a boy you still need to teach. Fortunately, there are lots of them around! Just open up to the possibilities! The unlikeliest person may turn out to be your soul mate!

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Dear Lady Celi...  
**Author:** DaystarsMom and Sayoko_Bizen  
**Rating:** PG  
**Characters: **Everybody, sooner or later  
**Summary:** Lady Celi dispenses advice on possessive friends, office politics, and importing inventions. Wait, what was that about a sheep? Collaboration between Sayoko Bizen and DaystarsMom  
**Disclaimer:** Good grief, it's _fan fiction_. Of course it's Not Ours. Do people really need to be told this?

Dear Lady Celi

Part 2

by

Sayoko Bizen and DaystarsMom

Dear Lady Celi,

I, um, well, I never thought I'd ever be writing an advice columnist, you know? But, well, here goes.

I have this...friend. He's a really good friend, and I'm worried about him. He's always been kind of volatile, yelling and carrying on, but lately he's been kind of...clingy. More than normal, I mean. He never has liked letting me out of his sight, but he used to be okay with things like my baseball practice and my regular studies. Now all of a sudden he wants to join in everything I do! He doesn't even _like_ baseball! It's downright dangerous – he nearly beaned me with the bat yesterday. I'm half afraid that if he gets struck out, he'll lose it and burn down half the bleachers, but he won't take "no" for an answer.

And he wants me to train with his private army! Like I'm not spending half my day studying history or learning swordplay already. And then he wanted me and my daughter to go on a family picnic, which actually sounded like fun, only he got really mad when I told him it was a great idea and we should bring his brothers along, and mine, too, if he's visiting that day. Who gets upset about bringing their family on a family picnic? He's driving me crazy!

He didn't used to be like this. I'm getting really worried that he's possessed or something – it's been known to happen. But how can I tell? And what should I do about it if he is?

Signed,

Really, Really Worried

* * *

Dear Worry-kins:

You poor thing! It's so sweet of you to worry about your friend. But I have to say, it sounds as if he could have a serious problem! I don't want to be scary, but a volatile temper, not letting you out of his sight and burning down buildings, and overreacting to a small change in plans...well, it sounds kind of like a stalker, doesn't it? Especially since your friend doesn't seem to want your brother – or _his_ brothers – around!

You need to think about this carefully – even though he's your friend, you have a daughter to protect, and your own children should always come first! I'd be happy to send you a couple of squadrons from my guard; if you think that will help, do write back with an address! And I'm sure my adorable future son-in-law King Yuuri would be willing to help out with a restraining order. He works very hard all day in my old office; it wouldn't take long.

Even if that seems too extreme, I think a little separation might be in order. Not that I'm saying you should run away! But taking a little vacation without your friend would give him time to cool down and perhaps develop some new interests. I hear it's lovely in Caloria and Small Shimaron this time of year, and what with the new alliance, citizens from Shin Makoku are welcome in both countries now. A sea voyage is a wonderful way to meet new people, too, and so broadening for children! And who knows? While you're on your journey, you might meet a gorgeous blonde lady with three grown sons who wouldn't be opposed to remarrying and having a stepdaughter!

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg

* * *

Dear Lady Celi:

First, I'd like to thank you for helping me out with that other matter. Your advice was right on the money, and my wooly friend is a lot less moody now that I've told him he'll be visiting the Shinou Temple soon. I'm very grateful; a depressed sheep is no joke! You're undoubtedly one of the smartest women in the kingdom, as well as one of the sexiest.

I have a new problem, however, so once again I'm writing for your advice. This time, it's about my job.

See, about a year ago there were some changes in top management at my company. My boss Grumpy and his chief colleague -- let's call him Butterfly -- had to take on a lot more work while Wonder Boy, the new top man, got up to speed. Butterfly immediately developed a major crush on Wonder Boy. I'm positive that Grumpy disapproves; he's never said anything directly, but I know what it means when he starts sending me out to buy yarn!

Up until last week, things had settled into a nice, predictable pattern. Butterfly constantly fell all over himself to teach Wonder Boy the ropes; Grumpy complained about the pair of them neglecting the _real_ work; and I got sent abroad a lot to deal directly with…various things. Fortunately, I've always enjoyed traveling.

But suddenly Butterfly has dropped his crush on Wonder Boy like a hot potato, and is prowling around the office studying _everyone else_ with a predatory gleam in his eye. Wonder Boy is oblivious, but Grumpy seems to think Butterfly is intent on pollinating EVERYBODY, and now he's even more, well, Grumpy. He's making my life hell because he can.

No more overseas trips for me; my main assignment now is tailing Butterfly around the office. With the way Butterfly has been acting, I'm afraid that if he notices me following him, he'll fixate on ME. Normally, I'm a pretty (and) easy-going kind of guy, but that would be awkward. Not that Butterfly's bad-looking (on the contrary), but he's not my type and I have other plans. I can't live like this!

HELP!!!

Your repeat customer,

Muscles in Ruffles

P.S.-Mind telling me where you got those red high-heeled lace-up boots I saw you wearing at the last ball? They were really something.

* * *

Dear Muscles-Honey:

Oh, you flatterer! I'm so glad my advice helped with your wooly friend. It just goes to show that when it comes to finding one's soul mate, nothing can be a true bar, not race or gender or even species. Just look at that nice Ryan fellow and his sandbear!

But on to your current difficulties. I feel for you, I really do -- office politics can be soooo deadly! Especially when you're not at the top of the tree, or so I've observed. Office romances are _ever_ so much more fun.

Unfortunately, it sounds to me as if your boss Grumpy and his colleague are involved in some kind of internal power struggle, and you definitely don't want to get caught in the middle! You also want to protect yourself so that no matter which of them comes out on top, you'll still have a job.

I'd suggest keeping a close eye on both of them. If you can figure out what they're really up to, you may be able to turn the situation to your advantage. You might also want to cultivate someone at the company who isn't mixed up in this particular power struggle. It never hurts to have allies, and you'd be surprised what a little outside influence can do! And who knows -- you may find an office romance after all!

Good luck and good wishes!

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg

P.S. The boots were a custom order from a business owned by one of my _dearest_ friends, FanFan. I'm sure they could design something suitable for you; just mention my name.

* * *

Dear Lady Celi:

I have been meaning to write for some time, to congratulate you on the success of your column. It is about time the men in this country learned to listen to a woman's words of wisdom! The world where King Yuuri was born is far more sensible in this regard, from what I hear. And so advanced! Flying machines, and carriages that move without horses, and that kind of mail-without-paper that arrives almost as soon as it's been sent in a little box you can carry with you – the inventions he's talked of are a constant inspiration!

In fact, I was hoping you could use your influence with King Yuuri to persuade him to bring a few more of those "electronic gadgets" back with him the next time he makes a trip to Earth, so that I...er, so that the scientists of Shin Makoku can examine them. Think of the advances we could make by combining his Earth technology with our maryoku!

Enthusiastic Scientist

* * *

Dear Enthusiastic:

What a wonderful idea! I'll mention it to His Majesty and His Eminence right away! Perhaps they can even bring His Majesty's brother for a visit -- I think he knows a lot about those "computer" things His Majesty talks about so often, and I'm sure he could give our boys and girls in the labs some tips! Besides, he's sooooo handsome…

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Dear Lady Celi...  
**Author:** DaystarsMom and Sayoko Bizen  
**Rating:** PG  
**Characters: **Everybody, pretty much  
**Summary:** Part 3; now with actual plot! Lady C advises a foreign visitor on unexpected romance, a concerned soldier on how to deal with family tension and unwanted advances, and a dissatisfied customer on moving on.  
**Disclaimer:** Good grief, it's _fan fiction_. Of course it's Not Ours.

Dear Lady Celi

by

Sayoko Bizen and DaystarsMom

Dear Lady Celi:

It's a pleasant surprise to see you in this light. Not that I thought you were an airhead; just that I didn't picture people running to you for advice. Sorry, that must have sounded insulting. I apologize, Highness. I'm writing because I have a problem and there's really no one I can turn to. I hope you can help me.

I'm here in Shin Makoku from a faraway land to visit my baby brother. He's still very young so at every opportunity, I take time off from my studies and my on-the-job training to watch over him. This time, though, he's been busy planning a trip, so I've been spending more time with other people here. And I met this woman.

Not only is she gorgeous, she's strong-willed and intelligent. She's something of a mover and shaker, likes to build things and speak her mind. I've never met anyone quite like her. I am refreshed by her unique fierceness, her individuality, and her grace. I'm compelled to watch her as she fights through every obstacle in her way – be it real or imaginary. Her spirit fans my own to a blaze. The fact that she likes the weird trinkets I brought and finds them as fascinating as I do doesn't hurt the attraction either.

Another piece of good news is that even though men are lining up to ask for her hand, she doesn't seem interested in them. The bad news is, she probably won't be interested in me either. Lady Celi, please give me advice on how to win this flower who best blooms in freedom.

Thank you kindly.

Next in Line

* * *

Dear Next-Cutie:

What a lovely tribute to True Love! I don't see how any woman could resist such noble sentiments! Of course, you will have to attract her attention in order to tell her your feelings, but with such a spirit I don't think that will be too much of a problem.

The first thing is to make yourself stand out from the crowd of her suitors. You have an advantage here – as an exotic foreigner, you can no doubt provide your lady with gifts no one else can duplicate. Do so! But more than that, listen to what she asks of others, particularly the things they are reluctant to do for her. If you volunteer for the difficult or unpleasant tasks that others refuse to do, you will surely make a good impression.

Good luck, and be sure to send me an invitation to the wedding!

Love and kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg

* * *

Dear Lady Celi:

Up to now, I thought I was pretty good at managing my life. I've dealt successfully with war, prejudice, family tensions, and a friend's jealous fiancé, among other things, and kept on smiling. But I've never faced anything quite like the situation I'm in now.

First, my best friend has been avoiding Blood Pledge Castle for the past week unless he's actually at work here. Yesterday, I found out that he's been spending all his spare time up at the Shinou Temple, but he wouldn't say what he's doing or why. I suspect that he's been talking with His Eminence, the Great Sage. This worries me; the last time those two started plotting together, it was over the whole Forbidden Box thing, and everyone knows how close that came to disaster! I don't want him to get himself hurt. His job is dangerous enough as it is. I also saw a certain inventor heading up that way; if she's involved, Shinou help us all!

Next, a former teacher of mine appears to have settled on me as an object of romantic interest! It all happened quite suddenly – he's been enamored of my godson (a charming young man) for some time, but about two weeks ago, he stopped all his protestations of undying love and began studying everyone else closely. Yesterday he appeared in my office without warning, made a little speech about maturity and True Love, and handed me a bouquet of flowers! Today there was a box of chocolates on my desk, along with an invitation to dinner written in impeccable lyric verse.

I'm a soldier, not really a flowers-and-chocolates kind of guy. I don't know how to respond to this onslaught, especially since my older brother (who is also my military superior) has made it clear that he heartily disapproves of all this frivolity during working hours. Also, while I don't have any tender feelings for this former teacher, I do respect him highly. I know that he is a very sensitive sort, and I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

As if all that weren't enough, my godson has made an unexpected decision to visit Caloria next week with his adopted daughter. I am to be included in the party as bodyguard and general responsible adult. This has thrown my former teacher into a fit of despondency over my impending absence, which he bemoans loudly at every opportunity. It has also infuriated my younger brother, who has strong feelings about both my godson and sea voyages. My older brother isn't any too pleased, either, though in his case it seems to be a combination of my former teacher's histrionics and my godson "skipping out of work _again_" that's bothering him. I'm disturbed by the increasing family tension, especially since my younger brother and I were only recently reconciled after years of estrangement. I don't want to go through that again.

What am I to do?

A Lil' Bit Bothered

* * *

Dear Bothered:

My goodness, you _do_ have a complicated life!

I think you should give your former teacher a chance. When it comes to love, you never know – the most unlikely person can turn out to be your soul mate! A romantic dinner or two never hurt anyone, and it will give him something cheerful to think about besides your approaching departure. If you do decide to let him down gently, you can encourage him to look for someone else while you are away. Perhaps your younger brother would suit him? I'm sure that would decrease the family tension – there's nothing quite like a good romance to take one's mind off quarrelling with one's siblings!

As for your friend, are you quite sure he's _avoiding_ Blood Pledge Castle? It sounds to me more as if he's found something – or rather, some_one_! – more attractive, up at the Temple! If I were you, I'd start thinking about wedding presents – I hear the Great Sage is fond of aprons. Just a hint.

Love and kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg

* * *

Dear Lady Celi;

I don't think there's any way to sugarcoat this... Your advice didn't work! My fiancé made it crystal clear that he hated the idea of me joining him in his activities even more than he hated the idea of joining me in mine. Now he is dead set on travelling the world without me.

I'm not blaming you at all... I'm blaming myself for all this. My engagement was kind of an arranged one and no one said anything about falling in love but I did. I really did. I'm just sorry he doesn't feel the same way and I thank you for attempting to help me. Now I realize my cause is hopeless and I will just have to carry on as best I can, the way I did before he came along. I'll be fine, I guess... there's still my job, my family, and my would-have-been daughter, although at the rate things are going, I'll probably have to do most of my parenting in print.

Things being what they are, I suppose I just have one question left. How did you manage to move on? For so long now I have lived and breathed to love my fiancé but now that he's given me all the signs that he wants none of it... well, you know.

Drowning in Love

* * *

Dear Drowning,

Normally, I would say that you would best avoid drowning by not jumping ship. But the highest form of love is to put your beloved's happiness before your own, and sometimes the only way to do that is to let him go.

The whole kingdom knows I have had three husbands and I loved them with all my heart, each in his own time. As much as I loved them though, in the end, my love could not keep them near me. I believe, and I will always tell people to believe, that love conquers, but not all things. It cannot conquer death, for one; and it cannot conquer an unwilling heart.

My dear one, there is no secret to moving on. It is something you will have to do for yourself. At the oddest moments you will feel the love, longing and loss rush back like a tidal wave and there will be nowhere to run. You will just have to stand still and let it wash over you, and then afterwards rejoice that you've lived long enough to feel so much, because the lone thing you can really count on is that you will live through much more.

Love, Kisses, and a big bearbee hug too,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Dear Lady Celi...**  
Author:** DaystarsMom and Sayoko Bizen**  
Rating:** PG**  
Characters: **Nearly everybody, sooner or later**  
Summary:** Ch. 4-Lady C's advice on a secret romance, popping the question, and raising parents. The plot thickens! (Plot? What plot?)

**Disclaimer:** Good grief, it's _fan fiction_. Of course it's Not Ours.

Dear Lady Celi

by

Sayoko Bizen and DaystarsMom

Dear Lady Celi:

As a career soldier, the last thing I ever thought I'd be doing is asking for romantic advice, but I am at the end of my rope.

For a long time, I've had an…interest in a colleague of mine. He's a rather flighty sort, very different from me, and I was resigned to the fact that he'd never look twice at a taciturn, down-to-earth man such as myself. Last year, he developed a terrible (and exceedingly vocal) crush on a much younger gentleman, which made me even more sure that I'd been wise not to let my feelings be known.

In the past month, though, his behavior has changed. First he gave up on the younger gentleman he'd been pursuing fruitlessly for the past year. Then he spent a couple of weeks eyeing everyone and everything in pants in Blood Pledge Castle (well, everyone except for a certain red-haired inventor, but if he'd shown any interest in _her_, I'd have known for certain that he'd flipped). Now he seems to have settled on my younger brother as his new flame!

I wouldn't be terribly worried about this under normal circumstances. The gentleman I'm speaking of isn't really my brother's type. But when my brother is disappointed in love, there's no telling what he'll do (there was a memorable incident about twenty years ago that _no one_ wants to see repeated!), and there are rumors that his current (unacknowledged) object of devotion is involved with not one but _two_ younger men up at the Shinou Temple, one of them another near relative. Under the circumstances, I can see my brother accepting the overtures of my colleague (and I know there's already been one romantic candlelight dinner, so I'm not just imagining this).

I don't begrudge my brother any happiness, but I don't think he and my colleague are well suited. Furthermore, I think it would drive me mad to have to watch my brother with the man I, er, have an interest in, should they form a permanent attachment against all odds. It's _already_ driving me mad.

Fleeing the country is not an option. Neither is knocking my brother on the head and having my men cart him off to a distant border (though I find the idea more and more tempting as the days go by). This is not the sort of battlefield I am accustomed to, so I turn to an expert for advice. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Needs a Battle Plan

* * *

Dear Needs-Sweetie:

A secret romance! How splendid! And now, at last, after years of worshiping your loved one from afar, it is finally your time to shine!

For of course it's clear that your colleague is looking for a new romance! And it's equally clear that you are the strong, silent type, which makes you the perfect complement for an outgoing, expressive gentleman such as you describe. So now is the time for you to stop hiding your light and your love!

And the best way for a man like you to shine is through action! Words are not your forte, so do something to _show_ your beloved the depths of your devotion—something that shows off your skills and strong points. I don't suppose he has an enemy you could challenge to a duel or defeat in battle, but something along those lines would be perfect.

Oh, this is so exciting! Be sure and let me know how it all comes out!

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg

* * *

Dear Lady Celi:

I can't begin to describe how happy I am that you have this column. Your advice may be just what I need to win the hand of my ladylove.

I'll be up front with you, milady: I'm a self-made man of means. My business interests are international, and I've never had a problem impressing anyone, man or woman. I'm accustomed to getting what I want, but for once, I can't see how to do it.

The love of my life is a woman much like you—beautiful, sexy, passionate about life, love, and family. She's titled as well as rich; she probably has as much money as I do, which makes courting her difficult. What can you give a woman who has everything?

We currently enjoy a long-distance romance, but seeing her now and then is no longer enough for me. The real problem, however, is that she has a lot of other admirers who have just as much money and breeding as she does. It pains me to think that she might one day lose whatever fleeting interest she has taken in me and move on, as she has done with other suitors before.

In so many words, I'd like to ask this woman to be my wife, but I do not know how to get her to say yes. You, like her, are a noble, lovely, and passionate lady. What sort of proposal would persuade you to remarry? Please help me.

Yours,

Jack of All Trades

* * *

Dear Jack-Honey:

How splendidly romantic! You sound like _quite_ a catch—I'm tempted to see if I can't give your lady a little competition!

Seriously, all your lady's money and position can't buy her romance, so find the most romantic way of proposing that you possibly can! Don't hesitate. Show up without warning with flowers and a ring; tell her you can't live without her; sweep her off her feet and away before she has time for second thoughts! (Personally, I've always thought a runaway marriage would be the most romantic thing possible, but the woman you love might feel differently.)

Good luck and best wishes!

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg

* * *

Dear Lady Celi:

I have a problem. It's my Daddies. They used to argue all the time, but I could tell they didn't really mean it. Now they're hardly even speaking to each other. I'm afraid it's my fault.

My one Daddy wants to take a trip, just the two of us. I was really excited at first, but it upset my other Daddy. He got really down. Then he went up to the Shinou Temple, and he didn't come back. When I sneak up there to see him, he's always with, um, the spy guy or the smart guy. My first Daddy doesn't like it, but he's too much of a wimp to say anything. He won't go up to the Temple to talk. He just mopes around the castle. He's even given up planning the trip we were going to take.

What can I do to get my Daddies back together?

Um, I'm not supposed to use real names, right? How 'bout—

Chocolate Chip

* * *

My dear sweet Choco-chip:

I am _so_ sorry about what is happening to your parents. First, I want to say very clearly that this is _not_ your fault. Your parents are probably trying to protect you by not telling you what is really going on, and don't realize that they're making you worry.

Now, I know you want your fathers to be a happy family again, but you can't _make_ them do it. They will have to do their part. I think they will, because from what you say, they are both very unhappy about the current situation, but you may have to give them a little push! The first thing is to get them in the same place, so that they _can_ talk. I'm sure that a smart young person like you can think of a good reason for your one father to go up to the Shinou Temple with you. Once they see each other, we can hope that they will start talking again and settle their differences.

But remember: all you can reasonably do is to get them in the same place at the same time. The rest is up to them.

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** Dear Lady Celi...

**Author:** DaystarsMom and Sayoko Bizen  
**Rating:** PG  
**Characters: **Pretty much everybody, sooner or later

**Summary:** Ch. 5-Lady C.'s advice on competition for a love interest, long-distance relationships, lobster, and ... dueling? The plot, such as it is, curdles.

**Disclaimer:** Good grief, it's _fan fiction_. Of course it's Not Ours.

Dear Lady Celi

by

Sayoko Bizen and DaystarsMom

Dear Lady Celi:

Sorry to bother your ladyship again so soon, but it sure looks like I've gotten myself in a tangle.

I've been hanging out up at the Shinou Temple in my spare time, just like you suggested. It's resolved my sheep's crisis, now that he and the object of his affections have gotten over the business about being different species, and I think I've found just the ally you suggested to help with that little bout of office politics. But while I accomplished my aim of avoiding both serious bodily harm from my boss Grumpy and the advances of his colleague Butterfly, things have taken an unexpected (and thoroughly unwelcomed) turn.

Remember I mentioned that Butterfly seemed intent on pollinating EVERYONE? Well, while I was busy avoiding him, he landed on MY favorite bloom and took him out for dinner! Twice! And he's been showering MY GUY with flowers and chocolates and poetry every other minute in between dates. Worst of all, my guy hasn't been objecting! I never thought he was a flowers-and-chocolates kind of man, but maybe I was wrong. I can't compete with that—my salary won't stand it, and the only poetry I've ever written is an occasional dirty limerick.

I got the whole story from the maids (boy, would I like to hire _them_ for my espionage network! They're better than most professionals. But they say their current jobs give them more scope for their talents, and besides, they're not interested in Belial's love life). I'm sure the whole kingdom knows the situation by now. Except maybe for His Majesty (he's such an innocent). My boss knows, for certain. He's been grouchier than ever since the word got out, and lately he keeps fingering his belt-knife like he's looking for someone to challenge to a duel.

I've also been drafted into playing the confidant for a young associate who's been having romantic troubles. He and his fiancé had a tiff and split over some travel plans, and he's come up to the Shinou Temple to get over his loss. I'm not really used to giving advice to the lovelorn. Any suggestions there?

Muscles in Ruffles

* * *

Dear Muscles-Honey:

My, that boss of yours sounds positively frightening! I don't suppose you have any vacation days saved up that you could use to get out of this tense situation for a while?

As for your sweetie, what do you expect him to do when you spend all your time on office politics? Of course, it's too late now to shower him with flowers and chocolates yourself; you'd look as if you were imitating Butterfly, and that would never do. No, I think you need to find some other way to let your guy know that he's first in your life. Something romantic and _personal_—you should know your man well enough to think of just the right thing! But take your time—there's no sense in rushing around looking desperate.

In regard to your young friend, I've always found that the best cure for a broken heart is a new love affair! Encourage him to stop looking backward, and I'm sure he'll cheer up in nothing flat!

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg

* * *

Dear Lady Celi:

I'll get straight to the point. My best friend was a great lady, beautiful and kind, who died twenty years ago. I still miss her very much, but her memory is making my life miserable, and not in the way you might think.

My friend was engaged to a handsome nobleman who took her death very hard. In fact, he left the country, and has hardly been back since. Nevertheless, I have seen him now and then in the course of my work as a healer, and I find myself strongly attracted to him. I can hardly get him out of my head. My father thinks he's a traitor and doesn't want me to have anything to do with him, but I can see that he was only terribly hurt and angry. Unfortunately, he is still pining for his lost fiancée, and can't see me for dust.

I can't fight a ghost, and I don't want to sully the memory of my best friend either. But it's been twenty years! If my friend were still alive, I would smack her upside the head for making my love life almost as complicated as hers was.

Should I do as my father wishes and forget this man, or follow my heart even though he may never see me as more than a friend?

Standing in the Shadow of the Past

* * *

Dear Standing:

I think you already know what I am going to say. No doubt your father means well, but if you are a healer, then you are a responsible adult person, able to make your own decisions. Follow your heart!

And don't despair of attracting the attention of the one you love! When a person loses someone he cares deeply for, it takes time to recover, and some people take more time than others. But with all the wonderful changes and good will our new Maoh has brought, your heartthrob may be ready to move on at last.

Since you aren't likely to see him in person for a time, the best thing to do might be to write him and reveal your feelings. Love letters can be so romantic! Especially for a lonely man in a foreign country who must be missing his home! Invite him for a visit, and see what develops.

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg

* * *

Dear Lady Celi,

I hope you don't mind my writing you again so soon. It's just that my problems are compounding uncontrollably and I'm at my wit's end.

My little brother is heartbroken over what he sees as my godson's rejection, and has taken refuge at the temple. I've been hearing rumors that he is finding solace with my best friend. I want my little brother to be happy—he's been through a lot, though sometimes I can't help thinking that he sabotages his own chances—but I've hoped for some time that my best friend and I would end up together. Now it may be too late to tell my friend how I feel. I have no hope of stealing him back; I'm not a stunner like my little brother. I'm also worried about my godson, who seems to be completely bewildered by all this. I've always thought he had stronger feelings for my little brother than he admitted to, and if he gets the idea that this is somehow unfair...well, he can get kind of unpredictable.

As if that's not enough, my former teacher seems to find nothing but encouragement in my acceptance of two of his dinner invitations. (Candlelight, champagne, and lobster thermidor with the wrong person are downright unpleasant, I find. Especially when the wrong person gets...touchy-feely.) My attempts to let him down easy have gotten nowhere.

Then this afternoon, my older brother (who is also my superior officer) came into my office just as my former teacher showed up with a bucket of roses and a sonnet. My brother completely lost his temper—a rare thing for him—and the next thing I knew, he'd challenged me to a duel. I had to accept (if I hadn't caught the dagger, it would have put out my eye). My brother has always been very protective of us younger ones, and I knew he didn't approve of a relationship between me and my former teacher, but this seems a little extreme. My teacher was no help; he burst into tears and ran out of the room, and hasn't spoken to either of us since.

The only way I'm going to get through this is by pretending it's my best friend I'm fighting for. It's kind of hard to do that, though, when he's not even around to watch, much less second me.

(Now More Than) A Little Bit Bothered

* * *

Dear Bothered:

Duels are so exciting and romantic! I'm sure you'll do your best; let me know when it's scheduled, and I'll come and cheer for you! And I'm sure that when your best friend hears about it, he'll come down and cheer for you, too!

But are you _sure_ you can't drum up even a teensy bit of interest in this former teacher? Anyone can manage a candlelight dinner, but champagne and lobster thermidor aren't something you're going to find on every street corner. Still, perhaps if your brother disapproves _so_ strongly, it may be best to let the relationship go. Family feuds are _such_ a bore!

Love and Kisses,

Her Royal Foxiness, Lady Celi von Spitzweg


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** Dear Lady Celi...  
**Author:** DaystarsMom and Sayoko Bizen  
**Rating:** T  
**Characters: **Everybody, pretty much  
**Summary:** Part 6—A surprise substitute columnist has advice about, well, everybody. Dueling! Elopements! Electronic equipment! Kissing! OK, advice about kissing.  
**Disclaimer:** Good grief, it's _fan fiction_. Of course it's Not Ours.

Dear Lady Celi

by

Sayoko Bizen and DaystarsMom

**A Special Notice from the Publishers:** Lady Celi is temporarily  
unable to write her advice column. In her absence, we have arranged  
for a guest columnist whom we hope will be acceptable.

Lady Celi:

As the person I normally consult for advice is the source of my current problems, I thought I'd give you a shot.

Despite an intellectually fulfilling relationship that's lasted centuries, my best friend and erstwhile lover has just taken up with an ovine animal! In preference to ME! What am I to make of that? All right, I cheated on him once, but that was fate, and besides, he couldn't exactly get pregnant and continue my line. (Though I wouldn't put it past the new kid—he might just be powerful enough to make that blond brat carry his children.) Anyway, 4,000 years seems an unreasonably long time to hold a grudge.

I doubt that you can help, but saying my piece in a nationally circulated magazine has certainly made me feel better.

The Big Boss

* * *

Shinou:

If you'd bothered to pay attention, you'd know that I'm subbing for Lady C. for the time being, so you're stuck with my advice after all. And my advice is this: Stop whining. It makes you sound like "that blond brat," and pretty soon people are going to start wondering whether possession cuts both ways.

Intellectual fulfillment only goes so far, as you'd realize if _you'd_ been the one reincarnating over and over for the past 40 centuries. Besides, it's not as if I dumped you. If you're up for a threesome, you know where to find me.

The Great Sage

* * *

Dear Whoever Is Writing This Column For Lady Celi:

Everybody has gone nuts!

My, um, friend that I was so worried about suddenly dropped everything when I told him I was taking a trip without him! All I wanted was for things to go back to the way they were, but it's gotten worse! He doesn't follow me around, he's not trying to learn baseball, he won't even talk to me! He's holed up at the Shinou Temple, and the rumors have him making time with, um, this other guy who I guess is nice enough but he's way older and he's kind of a spy and...and...and I don't like it! Especially since there are also rumors about him and my best friend and this sheep.

Then this foreign guy showed up with a boatload of flowers. And when I say "boatload," I mean literally—his yacht was stuffed with the things. It took the maids the whole day to find vases for them all. I didn't get to talk to him about it, though, because my daughter picked right then to ask me to go up to the Shinou Temple with her tomorrow. She's been sneaking off at odd times for a while, and I think she's been going to see Ulrike. I'm afraid she wants to become a Shrine Maiden, and she's too young to make that kind of decision!

Before I got _that_ straightened out, I found out that my chief, er, subordinate has challenged my bodyguard to a duel! For no reason! And they're brothers! My bodyguard is really bummed about it. I have to do something to stop it, but how can I when I don't even know why it happened in the first place and neither of them will talk to me about it?

My other adviser is no help; he's going around wringing his hands and wailing. He can't seem to decide whose side he ought to be on and he won't talk to either of them. I heard he's been seeing my bodyguard (which kind of squicks me—those two just _don't_ belong together!), so I understand why he's upset, but he seems just as worried about my, er, other subordinate. And I can't even find out if what I heard is true, because my best investigator hasn't been around for weeks!

And _then_ this guy who's been kind of an outlaw or an exile (sort of like Robin Hood, only different) arrived out of the blue and locked himself in the infirmary. My advisor (the one who's wailing, not the one who's going to have the duel) wanted me to blow up the door and arrest him, but the healer lady poked her head out and said if any of us disturbed her patients she'd have to _take steps_. I don't know what she meant, but she sounded pretty scary. They're still in there, though they did let the maids bring them a breakfast tray this morning.

My big brother has finished his vacation and gone home, just when I could have used his help with all this. Now Lady...um, this gorgeous older lady I know has disappeared; the maids found a note in her room this morning that said something about eloping. Which is about what I'd expect from her, actually, except that there's this inventor lady who has _also_ disappeared, and I have a _really_ bad feeling about it!

Help!

Really, Really, REALLY Worried.

* * *

Dear Shibuya—

Honestly, you people are all idiots. And your idea of impenetrable pseudonyms is laughable. It's all very amusing to watch, and I'd let you go on stewing in your own juice, but the Shinou Temple is already getting crowded with people wanting advice or an ally or escape or a ton of Earth-type electronics, and I can see that my sheep and I are never going to have any peace unless and until I straighten the rest of you out. It's a good thing Lady Celi left me this column before she ran off with that FanFan of hers. (Yes of course I helped. _Somebody_ had to marry them—that's what eloping is _about_.)

OK, first off, Wolfram isn't interested in Yozak at all. He's spending all his time at the Temple because he's depressed. He's depressed because he's in love with you. I'll just repeat that: He's _in love with you_. Got that? In. Love. With. You. Madly, passionately in love. And if you would stop being such a bone-head, you'd realize that you are just as much in love with him. (Which, by the way, is the _real_ reason you don't like those rumors about him and Yozak.) Instead, you've somehow managed to convince him that you want no part of him in _any_ capacity, friend _or_ fiancé, which is why he's mooning around up here trying to get a little distance to "recover and move on."

So the first thing you need to do is come up to the Temple and give him a thorough kissing. You don't have to say anything (you'd probably turn red and get tongue-tied if you tried, so it's just as well). Just kiss him. _Thoroughly_, not a mere peck on the cheek. (If you need more specific directions, check with me when you get here.) I guarantee that he'll perk right up, especially if you start talking wedding dates, and don't give me any of that "but he's a guy" crap. You've known better than that for months; you just haven't admitted it. And look where that got you! If you don't want an encore of all this—and the risk of losing Wolfram for good—you'll be honest with yourself and take care of this _now_.

Bring Conrad with you, if you can. He's not just bummed about fighting a duel with Gwendal; he's also pining after Yozak, who's been avoiding Blood Pledge Castle ever since Gunter started looking for a new romantic interest. (Yozak's the only one of you who has the sense he was born with. I almost wish the gossip about him and me _was_ true.) Conrad has probably heard the same rumors about Yozak and Wolfram (or maybe the ones about Yozak and me) that got you upset, which is mostly what's wrong with him_._ If you can't pry Conrad away, take Yozak back down to Blood Pledge with you and lock the two of them in a room together for a while. That should do the trick for _them_. Just don't walk in without knocking after you unlock the door. Even if it's been a couple of hours.

As for the duel—have you really not figured out that Gwendal is upset about the way Gunter has been chasing Conrad these past few weeks? Well, I suppose you've had other things to worry about, so it's not really surprising. The whole reason Gwendal came up with this duel thing was to impress Gunter and steal him back from Conrad. I thought that was obvious.

Anyway, what you do is, you tell Gunter to go use _all_ his influence to get Gwendal to retract his challenge, and then leave them alone together. It'll probably work best if you tell Gunter that Conrad and Yozak are an item, right before he goes in to talk to Gwendal. He's sure to get flustered enough to say something about it to Gwendal. That should scotch the duel and settle the pair of them, both at the same time.

Just in case, though, have Greta with you when you go to meet them when they come out of the room. Tell her that if the two of them don't look happily stunned, she needs to ask Uncle Gwendal if he's slapped Gunter yet. Even if the answer is "no," that ought to give Gunter the idea that Gwendal is attracted to him; based on his recent behavior, Gunter can handle things from there.

Speaking of Greta, I can safely assure you that she has absolutely no interested in being a Shrine Maiden. The only thing wrong with her is that she's worried about her parents. Fix things up with Wolfram, and your daughter will be fine.

Leave Adelbert and Gisela alone. They need a little time to sort out their relationship, and it'll be a lot easier if nobody gets in their way. Safer, too. Besides, you really want Gunter to be in a good mood before anyone breaks it to him that his daughter is thinking of tying the knot with anyone, let alone Adelbert.

As for me and T-Zou, all I have to say is that my sex life is none of your business.

Oh, and Anissina hasn't gone missing, and she _certainly_ hasn't eloped with Lady Celi. She went to Earth with your brother Shori, with a little help from yours truly. I got tired of sending Shori back and forth every ten minutes for a new load of gadgets to give to her. (Don't tell me; you didn't notice _that_ romance heating up, either.) I predict that Anissina and Mama-san will get along like a house afire; she'll end up making a splendid Queen of the Earth Mazoku, with all the high-tech toys she could ever want. And Shori will be a hen-pecked husband. It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Signed,

Smarter Than All Of You Put Together (Which Doesn't Take Much), a.k.a. Ken Murata

P.S.-Oh, and one more thing. Stop writing to advice columns. It'll just get you into trouble again. Trust me on this one.


End file.
